Dr Bunny hops and hops and hops and...

The years start coming and they don't stop coming

2011-12-24T16:41:00.013+13:00

So this is Christmas.... What have I done? It's been a busy year but none of it is recorded here. I'm sad today, but overall feeling positive about the future. I think it might be time to start looking outward again which is kind of why I'm posting here and not on LJ, home of roleplaying and introspection.

Parenting is still my major focus. J and T are happy and reasonably secure. They have an amazing relationship with each other (most times), good relationships with both their parents and with lots of other people. I think they like themselves. I see this as a major achievement.

I'm halfway to my stats qualification... 'Graduate Diploma of Applied Statistics'. This year I got a B- and an A- for my third years stats papers (Biostatistics and Quality Improvement). Not too bad, given that the rest of life kept happening. I also took a couple of extra maths papers as background, which didn't go so well (D for Linear Maths and C+ for Calculus) I'm predicting I'll be under review at work by July, but hopeful I'll survive there long enough to complete my diploma and maybe do some consulting jobs to get some experience. If not, I think my skills may now be provably transferrable enough to get a job even in the current market. I am pretty competent. This job has developed my work-social skills enormously.

Roleplaying has continued to make me happy this year... Regular wonderful Wednesday gaming... some LARPing (highlights this year were Jenni's Silver Kiss and Shell Beach, and Sophie's amazing steampunk Mad Goddess LARP), Day of Games, My game So Cold in Alaska winning a prize at Kapcon... and constructive play test with awesome gamers for White Rabbit, next year's offering.

Also I have lovely friends... If any of you are reading this, you should know that I think I am extremely lucky that so many intelligent, creative, kind, talented, beautiful people consider me worth spending time with... Yes, I am looking at you! Happy holidays to everyone in my village... You bring me hope and inspiration! :)

I think this will be my theme song for 2012

Oxygen Mask

2010-07-24T19:44:00.024+12:00

I recently found Big Think, and at the moment it's my favourite site to visit when I have a few minutes to fill with something awesome. I love watching the videos of smart people (sadly, mostly smart guys) talking about things they are passionate about, and sometimes it's useful or affirming, like this one, where Tal Ben-Shahar, a psych lecturer from Harvard, talks about Five Ways to Become Happier Today...

As I was watching this, I realised that I'm already doing some of this stuff... I'm getting better at separating out and naming my negative emotions instead of trying unsuccessfully to pretend that they don't exist. It's far easier to mitigate loneliness, money worries and fear that I can't cope, for example, than an un-named and dreadful turmoil pressing in on my mind. And not-so-strangely, I really am much happier...

... And I exercise most days, for at least half an hour and I do Jenni's TiLT and I do try to make sure that, at the end of the day, I spend some time really appreciating being with my boys, cuddling and reading and talking and making sure that they go to sleep knowing I adore them... which has the fabulous side effect of making me feel adored too!

And thinking about all that I was reminded of this...

...which arose out of a conversation with my friend A, after he visited from the UK 18 months ago (just after I changed jobs) and came on holiday with me and the boys. I think it's fair to say that he was pretty worried about me at the time... He compared my situation to a incident on an aeroplane where I should put on my oxygen mask before helping the kids with theirs. I didn't (and don't) believe things were catastrophic, or my behaviour was life-threatening, but he made some pretty accurate observations about my mental state and some recommendations for weekly goals, which I wrote down (there were some other goals too... getting divorced and moving to Wellington, but they aren't relevant here). I started exercising more regularly and by the middle of last year had begun habitually exceeding 30 minutes/day. I don't always manage the requisite dose of 15 minutes of Karen time (which has to involve intellectual activity... ideally something that would make me say "Hmmmm"... A assumed a Thinker pose as he explained this) But, realising that A is right, and that thinking about cool and interesting things does make me happier, I am going to try and generate a new habit. 'Dr Bunny hops and hops and hops and...' started as a blog about learning to cope as a single parent, but when I lost my job and during my divorce it became a blog of failures and self-indulgent whining about bad choices.

I haven't felt comfortable here in recent months. I've even been considering starting a new blog, but I think I should 'own' my bad times as well as my good ones! So, instead, I am going to reclaim this one and try and establish a new habit. In the spirit of 'history has expired due to inactivity' (which has expired due to inactivity, but some people may remember), I will don my oxygen mask, seek out and blog about at least two things each week that I think are cool or interesting or thought-provoking. Let's see how it goes...

Finding Reality Thrilling

2010-07-08T21:25:00.008+12:00

I find it harder to stay motivated in winter and I've been a bit lonely and sad lately, so I've been spending more time trawling for inspiration or meaning or something... Apparently this could be a symptom of depression! But anyway, here's some cool stuff, mostly science to help keep you going through the dark and cold...

First up, some good news in the fight against climate change apathy and denial... A Dutch enquiry and a British review have both confirmed what we already knew, that the science behind the IPCC report was sound. Now hopefully we can put our effort into doing something about it?!

Symphony of Science is a project that is putting the wonderful words of some of the world's greatest science communicators to music. My favourite is 'Our Place in the Cosmos', but the others are really worth listening to... the vids are amazing too!

I found this via Clear Science which gives nice simple explanations of scientific concepts and phenomena, with some history of science thrown in... and I got to that from Fake Science which never fails to make me giggle (thanks adrexia ).

Depleted cranium is a skeptical blog that exposes bad science. It usually gives me something to think about.

exiledinpn affirmed my world view by sending me this article about how the science career path is broken. I think I should expand on this at some stage... I think, for example that it is still more broken for women than men... but I'm encouraged by Carol Greider and Elizabeth Blackburn winning the Nobel prize in Physiology or Medicine last year for discovering the structure of telomeres (the caps on the end of chromosomes)... and tonight is not a night for grizzling!

It isn't science but I want Andrea Bocelli to come and sing beautiful bedtime lullabies at my house!

I'm waiting for the earthquake I just felt to appear on geonet so I can see how big it was. I'm enjoying putting numbers on things at the moment, so size mattters :-) Yup... here it is, really close and I've put in my tuppence worth :-)

This Short Sharp Science blog entry links to the incredible chromoscope... view the universe in gamma rays, then check out the European Space Agency's annotated map. Next stop the Galactic Centre on our way to a winter holiday in the Aquila Rift...

But because we're not there yet, here's a beautiful reminder from Carl Sagan that this incredible Pale Blue Dot is the only home that you or I will ever know.

Still here

2009-09-17T20:41:00.008+12:00

Still breathing, as an elderly colleague of mine used to say... until, one day, he stopped...

I have been a bit flat today, following a slightly imperfect MAF audit yesterday, but I have been having some pretty happy days lately too...

Things I really like right now:

spring (masses of bluebells in the Esplanade were the highlight of today's floral offerings but kowhai and blossom and our 4 red tulips also rating pretty high)
recent visits to Wellington
swimming (2-3 times a week) and the happy I feel after I have run (while I'm running, maybe not so good :-) )
the cuteness of my children (J cites anecdotal evidence from imaginary scientists to support his arguments... he seems to have a grasp of the fact that large samples are required for good science that many tertiary students and some scientists lack... "A scientist told me he went in his submarine and he saw 100... no 600 of rainbow fish and they were all eating krill", ipso facto, "Some fish eat krill, eh Mummy")

In spring even Palmy is fairyland

2009-09-03T20:39:00.005+12:00

The pink blossom avenue in the Esplanade is like a fairy tale place and we have purple hyacinths, creamy freesias, red and pink and purple and white anemones, purple pansies, purple and white and yellow violas, hot pink dianthus, 3 yellow and orange daffodils and a red and yellow tulip in the pots on our deck. Tiny pale green leaves are starting to appear on the trees... Today was cold, but the sky was blue and the sun was bright... So many colours... No wonder T's favourite song is "I can sing a rainbow!"

Further, faster, fitter

2009-09-01T21:15:00.010+12:00

This evening I ran 3.1 km in 25 minutes (apart from walking across one busy road), then when the kids were in bed I made myself a healthy dinner of awesome deliciousness... medium rare steak in a wholemeal wrap with hummus, mesclun, tomato, cucumber and chickpea salad (+ pumpkin, sundried tomatoes, mint and coriander from the garden, lemon juice and madras paste)...

... On Saturday I swam 750m and cycled 5 km (though not consecutively)... And on Sunday I rode my bike 9-and-a-bit km (which is d**n close to 10 km)... even mamnaged to go down some gentle slopes without my feet in the ground, and only feeling slightly shaky (well, quite shaky really, but I stayed on and kept going)...

I am so totally going to do this triathlon! (It is 6 months away, so really quite a reasonable goal)

Full and sleepy now... milk and bed!

(I copied some of this across from facebook and it has made the formatting go psycho but I am too knackered to fix it now)

Runnin' down the road trying to loosen my load

2009-08-19T17:54:00.008+12:00

I just ran for 20 minutes continuously, and from this useful website, I can tell you that I ran 2.4 km and burnt 852 kJ (one advantage(?) of obesity is that you get to work harder when you exercise)... After the 1st 5 minutes (during which I wheeshed and puffed like a tank engine), I found a comfortable hippo-trot, and it didn't hurt again until I got stitch right at the end. I'm pretty pleased given that my aim is to be able to run 3 km in 20 minutes (after swimming 6 lengths of the real pool and cycling 10 km) by February. My workmate and I are planning to do the Palmy TriWoman triathlon before we turn 40. She's got a couple of years, but I totally have to do it this summer!

I swam 1 km yesterday, and we're swimming again tomorrow (and we walked at lunchtime today too... I am such a jock), so now I just need to overcome the cycle-vertigo I developed during pregnancy and get on my bike and ride :-)

The queen of suburban fusion cuisine

2009-06-25T20:25:00.003+12:00

Tonight we ate tacos with slow cookered mince, beans and lentils (1 kg beef mince browned in batches in the frypan with 2 chopped onions and a large dollop of cheat's garlic, a Tsp of coriander, a tsp of cumin and a smidgen of chilli, then chucked into the slow cooker with 2 cans budget chopped toms, a can of 4 bean mix, a couple of grated carrots and a sprinkle of salt, and left on auto for the work day), raw grated carrot, grated cheese, sliced cucumber, 1/3 of a tiny tomato each, tinned beetroot and steamed brocolli. It was consumed with gusto, apart from the broccolli which was grudgingly nibbled... It seems beetroot goes with everything!

Personally, I found it a little bland, but couldn't be bothered reaching for the chilli sauce.

Stuff that's happening

2009-06-18T22:14:00.010+12:00

Beautiful crisp frosts, but ever so cold
Broken car, but not the head gasket, so Millie survives to drive another day
Awesome car-lending D who caught the bus to work for 2 days so I could drive the kids to creche in comfort
Weird automatic car
Warm fire, Idiot's cookies and Battlestar Galactica
N feeding kids dinner on his nights now (an unexpected outcome of the Family Court counselling I believed was a waste of time)... and have used the time to go jogging twice (albeit in a pathetic staggering panting way)... 20 lamposts, then 26... in pairs with singles walked between... next week shooting for 30 in threes.
Soup with smoked chicken stock and barley, pulses and pumpkin in the slow cooker, then carrot matchsticks and brocolli and assorted leaves from the garden in at the end... good contrast between the soupy broth and crisp and fresh veges... and the kids liked it too!
Swimming with colleagues once or twice a fortnight
Working harder on looking professional for work and getting some positive comments
Haircut that I like
Emotions that crash on me unexpectedly if I stop concentrating on positive, leaving me in the toilet at work with my head in my hands
Weekly gaming keeping me sane... how do non-gamers escape?
Kids sleeping better, so I am too, and both abed by 7:30 tonight, so 2 hours + to myself when the chores were done!
Divorce goes uncontestable on Tuesday if N hasn't contested it yet, which I don't actually know. Still, it is done, and cannot be undone, just delayed...

The evolutionary significance of appreciating beauty

2009-05-27T17:40:00.009+12:00

Today my feelings are hurting me (James, source of accurate descriptions, has given me this one). Where is my handsome prince? Where is my luxurious castle? Where is my beautiful swan-body? Was I cheated, or since I am clearly not in line for a happy ever after, perhaps... perhaps... I am evil?

So yeah... today... emotions not good... concentration shot to sh*t... walking around in a blurry cloud of misery. Poor concentration is certainly not a survival trait.

But this evening was beautiful. So beautiful it broke my bubble of bad Red and yellow autumn trees glowed in the golden light. the clouds were fluffy and peachy. The gorgeous young man next door smiled his sweet smile and gave me a cute little wave as I drove in, and a full rainbow presided over the washing line as I brought in the washing. And hey... here I am back in the world again!

At the start of the year, after a walk to Dawson Falls on Mt Taranaki, A asked me why I thought we evolved to appreciate beauty. I couldn't come up with a reason. But now I'm thinking... too much misery and stress is not good for us (I went to an awesome "resilience" seminar at work a while ago which touched on this. I intended to blog about at the time and maybe will soon). We need something to activate our "happy" hormones and neurological pathways or we get horribly depressed and life feels like it's not worth living (interestingly we are not the only animals that suffer from depression) and we can't be having sex or eating ALL the time... so maybe "beauty" pathways and "fun" pathways have co-opted those other pathways to keep us happy more of the time. Because let's face it... unless you're in a flight or fight situation, stress is really NOT that great!

What do you think?

I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee!

2009-05-26T17:29:00.001+12:00

My divorce application was burning a hole in my head so I went and filed it. The registrar was a dick who wrote letters on the originals of my marriage certificate and separation agreement, even though I’d told the woman at the counter I needed official photocopies… and said, sourly and I think sarcastically, something like “I suppose you’ll be quite happy to swear on the bible that everything in your application is true and correct”. To which I replied “No actually, I’d prefer to affirm it”… noting that he hadn’t even offered the option?! Also filed an application for counselling to agree on care of kids, as requested by N.

I feel weepy now.

Waiting…

Why would you contest a divorce?

2009-05-16T10:56:00.005+12:00

Mind still boggled by the conversation I had on Thursday!

Why would a person wish to force someone to stay married to them if their ex really doesn't want to be? That's archaic and creepy and harks back to the sordid origins of marriage as a property deal. It's going places in terms of coersion and control that I dont even want to think about!

Why would a person say they love someone and then accuse them of hitting their mutual children and allowing them to be abused by others and threatening to go to court to take the kids away? Especially if the person lacks the financial and emotional and environmental wherewithal to care for those kids in the unlikely event that they won the case...

Why would a person even WANT to get back together with someone that they believe kicked them out because they were mentally ill? If that was their ex's real motivation, surely they are better off without her?

Why WOULD you contest a divorce?

I'm thankful right now for sensible modern NZ divorce laws, that make divorce a simple matter of living apart for two years and filling out and delivering the paperwork correctly. I definitely do not want my "day in court".

Still Feeling Tragic

2009-05-16T10:51:00.004+12:00

Alas alack!

Alo alas alack
Alamus alackus alant

'Allo... Alas alack! Alarmist! I lack kiss... a lant???

A very obliging little monster

2009-05-11T10:32:00.003+12:00

T: "Roarrr roarrr, I'm a monster"
Me (cowering): "Ooooh ooooh. Please monster, please don't eat me"
T: "Okay"

Two years and counting

2009-05-04T20:47:00.005+12:00

Today I've been single for two years which is personal record. It's beginning to feel like forever, so I think I need to start being very very careful not to do anything dumb. Of course the fact that I nearly never get to drink anything alcoholic in a situation with dumbness potential is excellent protection...

Now I get to have the conversation with N where I tell him I want a divorce and the easiest way is for us to go to the court and sign the papers together... I'm not expecting miracles... 'spect I'll have to do the paperwork myself and get someone to serve them and write an affadavit to say they've done so (volunteers would be welcome, though I fully understand why no-one seems to want to, and apparently you can pay a private investigator or other similarly dodgy enterprise to serve your divorce papers for you... which has a certain sleazy charm).

I know it is only paperwork and the marriage ended two years ago... well probably a bit less, when I realised that even if he did sort himself out and start to be a bit supportive, we were basically incompatible, what with having totally different morality and values and all... but I'm feeling really sad at the moment... I'm counting my failures, which are many... and it seems like the two years probably will be forever because it's hard to imagine anyone insane enought to take me on with my boys and all my baggage... except N or someone like him. And I certainly don't want to go back there!

Appropriately tentative

2009-05-01T21:14:00.002+12:00

In an email from a colleague, she was unwittingly apt... "You can diffidently put me down for [that task]". If only she knew... or maybe better not?

Thinking about Before The Rains, (contains spoilers, and you really should see it) and other stuff and the choices people make

2009-04-28T21:13:00.010+12:00

I dropped the boys off at their Dad's for his birthday on Sunday afternoon. I had even helped J and T bake him a cake, because I want them to grow up into the kind of person who bakes birthday cakes for friends and family. I was feeling sad and strange, remembering his birthday 2 years ago, when I knew I'd be kicking him out in a week, but he was refusing to acknowledge or talk about it, so we had this surreal pseudo-celebration... I still feel queasy remembering it.

I planned to come home, do chores and perpetuate my martyrdom, but spur-of-the-moment-decided to play movie roulette instead... Rejecting 17 again at the main cinema, I wandered down to the artsy one, assuming there'd be nothing starting at 3:15 in the afternoon... But Before the Rains was, so I bought my ticket and wandered in, missing the 1st few minutes. It was amazing. Because it was my 1st movie for nearly 2 years, I'd forgotten the hugeness of movies, so the cinemetography blew me away... but apart from the imagery, the thing I have really taken away from the movie is this thing about choice. At one point T.K. says to Sojani "You chose this" and her reply is something like "Do you think I ever had a choice? Do you think I chose to marry that man?" (though I admit I may have misremembered this due to my personal sub-text) There's the power differential... Henry believes he is "a man of the future", free from prejudice... friends with T.K. and Sojani's lover when it is convenient... but he's willing to betray both of them to save his position in society. It's clear that the Indian characters feel that he has a choice, whereas they don't... and after I saw the movie, my initial reaction was that none of us has a choice... we are all shaped by our society and our fear of losing face and do stupid or terrible things because of it. But thinking about it now, I realise that T.K. does make the difficult choice... thereby proving himself to be a real man of the future...

And me... I chose to marry that man. I chose it, even though I realised we had serious problems... mostly because I loved him, or believed so, and believed in my power to change him or the situation to make everything okay, and also partly to save face, because though by the time we hopped on the plane, my gut was telling me it was not so good, things had already gone so far...

But all is not doom... coming up on 2 years and the big D-day, I keep coming back to something Morgue said to me in quite a different context... when I was freaking out about how the worst IPCC climate change predictions might be too conservative... and commenting how weird it was that I still felt the need to add that Dollhouse rocks...

"we are human beings and we need to feel like life is worth living if we're going to fight for it. Awesome creative expression = win. So does honest human connection, and earnest human endeavour, and kindness."

I haven't been going to movies for a while... doing too much of the dutiful martyr-mater thing, but I reckon I need to go to more... awesome creative endeavour like Before the Rains is definitely a win... and life... is still worth living... even if I am not as honest, or as kind as I once thought I was...

Seeing the world through new eyes

2009-04-21T20:59:00.005+12:00

I got new glasses before Easter. I think they look kind of cool, but unfortunately the only picture I have is this one my Mum took of me in my dressing gown with my hair all messy...
What I really wish I could show you is my new clarity of vision. I'm loving the crisp clean edges and bright shiny colours... helped along by the golden April sunshine and the crunchy leaves underfoot. I'm having an especially beautiful autumn this year!

It's your right to be responsible...

2009-04-14T20:54:00.004+12:00

Today I have been (probably unreasonably) seething with resentment.

Apparently, the difference between being day-to-day care parent and contact-parent is that contact-parent can ring day-to-day-care parent and say "I'm too sick to look after the boys this afternoon", thereby forcing day-to-day-care parent to take annual leave (or be vindictive, I guess), and pick the kids up early (which was actually really nice) because she had to reduce creche hours to accomodate contact-parent's contact.

Once J got tired, he melted down because he wasn't seeing Daddy. He had a tantrum through dinner and ate none. In the bath, he threw wet toys and facecloths around the bathroom and at Thomas. Then he cried through pajamas, and told me I was horrible for telling him Daddy was sick. He talked to Daddy and then tantrumed some more. Then T got upset too. Eventually, I shamelessly bribed J by promising milo with marshmallows and a jigsaw if he quietened down while I got T to bed and ate some dinner. I whispered but T heard marshmallows and wanted some, so had another tantrum (but no marshmallows... evil double standard). Then he decided he wanted Mummy-milk and pushed his milk cup away, so I had to put him down grumpy and go back and give him cup-milk once he realised that really was all that was on offer. J took another hour to go to bed. He kept saying he was sad that Daddy was sick and asking if I was too, and I replied that "I'm always sad about people being sick", because to be honest, I'm not big enough to feel specific sadness for Daddy. This is one of the ways I am now a bad person.

When I'm sick (except twice when my parents have rescued me, one of those times when I was 38 weeks pregnant), I struggle through to bedtime, and then do the chores for the next day. I know that I am the lucky one... lucky to be the parent who is there with my kids... lucky to be tough enough to (more or less) keep it together when I'm falling apart. I know I'm lucky to have as much support as I do have, but sometimes, as J kept telling me tonight, "It's just not fair!"

No longer milking it...

2009-04-13T20:31:00.005+12:00

Highlights of a fantastic Easter weekend...

Staying with the wonderful Ruth, D, H and K.
Finally getting to watch some Flight of the Conchords... the 1st 6 episodes of season 1... I loved it... especially the Bowie episode and the 'if you're into it' song Brett sings to Coco.
Big yellow bus adventure on Friday to Oriental Bay, admiring the swampy waterfront gardens and the skateboarders, hanging out in two very different, but clearly enjoyable playgrounds, having a picnic and looking at boats, and our first ever crocodile ride... ding ding! My kids also paddled in a most-of-body immersion kind of way... and D kindly got wet instead of me:-)
Saturday, another beautiful day... walked in Otari with Ruth, H and K and another friend and two of her kids... enjoyed the treetop bridges and lookouts, and the alpine garden sandpit (we are a menace!). The troop picnic area has a very nice toilet now!
Fluffy dinner on Saturday at the Mexican Cafe in Newtown... very yum, but closed early, so we adjourned for dessert to a nearby Fluffy-dwelling. It was lovely and I am so lucky to be friends with such awesome women! Extremely grateful to the wonderful D, who not only babysat, but put BOTH my wee darlings to bed!
On Sunday, Easter bunny left eggs in the garden for our little darlings (and gave me one too). We drove back to Palmy, but T woke in the traffic jam south of Waikanae, and inspired by Friday, I picked up food from the petrol station in Otaki, and headed for the beach... first time at a beach alone with both kids. It was great... lovely sunshine, although the breeze was chilly, I took their trousers and pants/nappy off , but left their fleeces on (an autumnal fashion statement). Because J is cautious round water, keeping track of both of them was fairly easy... initially J dug a paddling hole for me to fill with buckets of water, If T got away, his protective big brother charged after him, bullrush style... eventually J also braved the waves, to help collect water (apparently I wasn't fast enough) and then I had to bribe them both out with the promise of icecreams. We ate them at the playground a couple of blocks back from the beach, which has very cool merry-go-round, that I'm sure is dangerous by modern standards
Today, Brunch at Cafe Cuba with Giffy and her friends, a trip to the Esplanade and a ride on the train

And most excellent of all (though right now my breasts are huge and hurting)... with the support of Ruth and especially D (who both boys adore) I have weaned my little T, who actuallyseems mostly unfazed... so long as I let him keep the light on and "read" for a while before he drops off to sleep. And this means that all of bed-time takes less time, and tonight both boys were asleep by 7:40, and since I have not got the new episode of Dollhouse yet (my other reason for blogging slackness), I wrote this. Now I must do the dishes, make lunches, pack bags for tomorrow, and sleep, for sleep is good.

Happy Birthday Dear Darwin!

2009-02-12T22:04:00.006+13:00

It is 200 years today since the birth of Charles Darwin (many happy returns Chuck, we love you!). There's a Nature special, some of which is even open access, Scientific American has an awesome podcast, with Darwin himself speaking and the ever wonderful David Attenborough discusses why you'd have to be incredibly blinkered not to believe in evolution. Enjoy!

For he's a jolly good fellow... and so say all of us!

If today were a Covenant game

2009-02-10T19:52:00.008+13:00

Motifs: "Torrential rain", "Windowless spaces", "Grey", Emergency vehicles".

Conventions: "If I keep doing stuff, I'll make it through to bedtime", "Laughter makes life bearable", "Tomorrow will be better".

I think my character has a story level consequence of "Makes bad choices".

Unsustainable development

2009-02-10T08:51:00.004+13:00

We have emergency services stickers with cool fire engines and ambulances.

J was dry overnight then did wees in the toilet. Then he got dressed, including asking which drawers his clothes were in and finding them for himself.

I am running out of stickers!

*Edited to add. Tonight he did poos in the toilet even though he already had his nappy on, went to bed beautifully and was miraculously asleep by 7:40... but we used the last ambulance!

Who is Dr Bunny now?

2009-02-06T09:14:00.005+13:00

As you can see, I finally updated my profile last night with some actual words... It's too long so I'll change it soon, probably to something less job-oriented. I'm posting it here, so it doesn't get lost because I think it is an interesting part of the refocussing process I'm going through (thanks to Giffy for pointing that out!)

I'm a single parent with two beautiful boys J, aged 4 years, and T who is 19 months. I feel very lucky to be their Mummy and am learning with them as they grow! I was once (and forever) a plant biochemist, but recently fell prey to funding shortages and my poor publication record. I'm now working as a Science Facility Manager or "Compliance Guy" (what my position was called before I was appointed). I'm finding the transition difficult, but starting to see the funny side... Compliance Guy would make an awesome super-villain. In fact, one of my current performance objectives is "to build my evil empire of beautifully compliant scientists." My boss even approved it; but told me I had to word it more subtly to disguise my blatant ambition! Mwahahaha! I also think it would be cool to make a Reality TV spoof called Extreme Compliance, but I don't have the skills or technology (and it has probably been done).

Beware... voracious computers may consume you!

2009-02-05T21:11:00.005+13:00

"Warning, computers fed off this board" says the sign on a grey metal cupboard at work. Sadly, the sign doesn't tell you when it will be feeding time. and I've never seen the zookeepers or their hopeful charges.

T spoke sentences

2009-02-05T08:49:00.004+13:00

"Apricot not yum".

"Out there blow... pffffffffffff" (He was telling me it was windy and I must have looked blank, so he blew to illustrate).

"Oooo look, Jessie... ball" (his friend had a balloon)

Another study states the obvious... but nothing will change

2009-02-03T22:24:00.005+13:00

"Our study [also] indicates that children and adolescents who may face the greatest risks of vitamin and mineral deficiency are the least likely to be taking supplements," said Ulfat Shaikh, lead study author, assistant professor of pediatrics at the UC Davis School of Medicine and a clinician at UC Davis Children's Hospital.

And...

"The study findings seem to bear out the hypothesis that cost is a barrier to children getting vitamins. Among households considered below the poverty level, 22 percent of children used vitamins. The number jumped to 43 percent among those not considered poor. Among households not enrolled in the federal Food Stamp Program, 38 percent of children used vitamins. But in households using food stamps, vitamin use was around 18 percent. Children in 36 percent of households where there is no hunger use vitamins; only 15 percent use vitamins in households where there is "food insecurity and hunger.""

U.S. families living in poverty are less likely to be able to provide adequate nutrition for their children or to supplement their diets with vitamins to compensate... I'm guessing the situation is probably similar here... so, how do we change it?

"I don't think 9 billion [people] is better than 1 billion"

2009-02-02T22:00:00.007+13:00

James Lovelock, the scientist who originated the Gaia theory has written a new book (The Vanishing Face of Gaia) and New Scientist has an interview with him.

Read it... It's pretty extreme stuff:

"I think it's wrong to assume we'll survive 2 °C of warming: there are already too many people on Earth. At 4 °C we could not survive with even one-tenth of our current population. The reason is we would not find enough food, unless we synthesised it. Because of this, the cull during this century is going to be huge, up to 90 per cent. The number of people remaining at the end of the century will probably be a billion or less."

I don't really have enough background to assess this at the moment, and I'm very sure my values differ from his a whole heap, but if this was a marketing ploy, it was effective, because I definitely want to read the book now!

Terraforming planet earth

2009-02-02T21:42:00.005+13:00

Now you can replant a forest by dropping seedlings out of helicopters... Awesome! Has anyone got a spare helicopter lying around for a wee bit of ecoactivism? I fancy reforesting the Manawatu!

Should I delete the last entry?

2009-02-02T21:35:00.002+13:00

Or should I let it stand as a record of a bad couple of days?

Who is Dr Bunny?

2009-01-31T20:56:00.008+13:00

You may have noticed I no longer have a profile. It was woefully wrong but is proving hard to replace. You may also have noticed that I've always put my career first in any description of me. Before I had kids, being a research scientist pretty much defined me, at least as far as I was concerned. Then I became a parent, and I was a research scientist who was also a mummy... Yes, probably that way round. But now... what do I say?

My current job certainly isn't me... I mean, I think I can do it well enough... I'm enough of a control freak, but I've met people who really are compliance nerds. They are more than a tad scary... and not in ways I am, I hope :-)

So primarily I'm a mummy... mostly parenting alone, which is hard... but I'm trying not to let that difficulty define me.

And I'm passionate about... My kids of course, child development and psychology... And biology, mostly, though other science too... Books, primarily science fiction, though if a friend recommends it, I'll give it a go (and when I find the time, movies-or-TV-on-the-computer)... Mucking around on-line (I get lonely when I don't)... Politics, I'm still a greenie and a socialist and a feminist, and I still care much more than I let on... Roleplaying, sometimes, at the moment even, fresh from Kapcon, thinking about running Covenant, and with Pendragony plans to kill a dragon in a week or 2... Food and associated issues, sometimes obsessively, enjoyment tempered by past disorder... Exercise too, especially tramping and social sport, neither of which I get to do.

Usually I do what I do with enthusiasm... sometimes it starts as a show, but with effort, I can make it real.

But who is Dr Bunny? I lost my career, but I'm still here, so what's left to say about me?

Rainbow rice is nice

2009-01-27T19:53:00.010+13:00

We have an on-going glut of zucchini from the garden, which my boys refuse to eat in visible form... a few weeks ago I started making this, which is healthyish, reasonably quick and tasty (and not bad reheated for lunch next day either). Every time I cook it, J says delightedly "This is so yum" and actually eats a large portion... so I think it is probably a useful vegetable input tool, and I think it's yum too.

Nice Rainbow Rice

Cook 1 cup of rice however you usually would, leaving it slightly on the dry side (basmati or long grain or a mixture with brown rice)... I put 1 c basmati rice with 2 and 1/8 c cold water in a big jug and nuke it for about 20 minutes until the water is absorbed.

Cut 200-300g raw animal protein thing (I've used beef schnitzel or chicken breasts or thighs) into strips and mix with 2 Tbsp soy sauce, 1 Tbsp prepared garlic (or a 3 cloves of real stuff), 1-2 tsp turmeric, 1 tsp Indian-style curry paste (I am using a mild madras at the moment)... allow to marinade in fridge if you have time (which you probably don't)...
OR shred 1 cup or so of smoked chicken or leftover cooked chicken... in this case I mix the marinade and add it when I am cooking it...
OR use a tin of drained, rinsed kidney beans.

Chop 1 small onion finely.

Assemble 2-3 cups of grated/very finely chopped colousful veges... whatever you have... at the moment I start with 1 grated carrot, 1 grated zucchini... then add a selection of: red cabbage, ordinary cabbage, broccolli, spinach, silverbeet, capsicum, runner/green beans, frozen corn and/or peas... use whatever YOU have now.

Heat a heavy frypan (large enough to contain your food heap) with enough oil to cover the bottom... Seal raw meat, then add onion and cook until meat is cooked and onion is translucent, stirring as required to make sure it doesn't stick in your pan... or cook onion 1st and add cooked meat or beans and soy + spices. Add veges, cover pan and allow them to steam until cooked, stirring occasionally (about 5 minutes). Stir in rice, mushing up all the clumps so the flavour will spread through. Allow to stand for 5 minutes or so to allow the rice to absorb the yummy liquid.

Serve garnished with chopped fresh tomatoes and cucumber, maybe some avocado... fresh peas, coriander or parsley are nice on top too... so is chopped gherkin.

This does us two meals... so I'm guessing that in recipe book terms it serves about 3-4 people.

This is a Karen recipe... so if it used excess from the garden or stuff you had in the fridge already, and you enjoyed eating it, you did good :-)

2009-01-25T22:29:00.003+13:00

I've had this picture of Dione, one of Saturn's moons on my desktop for the last week or so and am still enjoying it, so I am sharing... I love iGoogle and Nasa's image of the day

Happy happy!

2009-01-25T21:41:00.004+13:00

Morgue and Cal's civil union yesterday had such a fantastic buzz that I am still in afterglow! They both looked so happy that it was impossible not to be happy with them... from the awesome music when they walked in (man, I need a copy of that song) to the mega-dancing session at the end, I had a great time and discovered that at some level I actually do still believe in the whole love and ever after thing, at least for other people (though I am certainly glad that I am not still living out my own horrible mistake).

So congratulations (again) Morgue and Cal! Confounding expectation, I totally believe in you... and last night and today is the happiest I've been in a long time...

I am a big romantic sook!

Congratulations Morgue and Cal!

2009-01-23T23:26:00.001+13:00

Nice things happen to nice people that I know!

Kapcon 18: The joy of being several someones else

2009-01-23T20:56:00.013+13:00

Saturday
Round 1: Shelter Me
GM: Marcus Bone

Like last year's "Fear of Dreaming", this game really was one of the highlights of my con! Interestingly, I found it a bit less intense than last year, probably partly cos I have been gaming regularly, and partly because my character's fairy obsession took the edge off the stress for me (while making it much more stressful for some of the other characters). Still, it was plenty horrifying, and our interaction with the dead Nazi psychiatrist "bad doctor" and his victim will stay with me for a long time! Marcus's GMing style gives really excellent scope for players to interact and develop their characters' stories, and this group took advantage of that... there's been a lot of comment on the excellent roleplaying in this game (which also ran in round 6) on NZRaG... I absolutely agree that Mash's creepy obsessive list-making was truly disturbing (and worryingly reminscent of some people I know and love) and I'd recommend the sequel next year (so long as you don't take MY place).

Round 2: FRUP: One of our dinosaurs is missing
GM: Ivan Towlson

Cool premise and great fun... I did a lousy job of roleplaying my character who was someone else's minion, and a muscle-bound fighter... Strangely, not my usual choice in D and D.... Enjoyed the rest of the party's roleplaying and all the humans dressed up as various monster manual beasties... Loved the reserve where new beasties were being "bred" and was delighted by the appearance of real live dinosaurs (only in the game, silly). Good, but a bit light following Shelter me... would've worked better for me the other way round

Round 3: Sneaking off for a swim and putting kids to bed

Unfortunately J eavesdropped on me asking his Grandma if I could go for a swim, so I clearly failed my sneakiness roll... however, the double tantrum (if one starts, the other follows to get in on the attention) had subsided by the time I arrived back at my folks' place and they were all eating happily. I was convincing enough in the maternal GM role to settle two very demanding PCs. In fact, I came out from feeding and settling my littlest darling to find the other wee darling asleep on his dozing Grandma, so just had to carry him to bed... easiest ever! A busy day was had by all!

LARP: Mafia 2071

I enjoyed the LARP this year (and I didn't run away... yay!). I played Rhond1a, a Stanford business graduate who had fallen foul of a nasty sexually-harassing corporate boss, ended up running on-line gambling sites for the Neo-Mafia to launder money, and was looking for a way back into the legitimate corporate world. I made a couple of pretty satisfying deals... one with the Malandrinos to open a joint-venture casino that would serve as an interface to attract new clients, and another working as a consultant for a corporation to help them minimise their visible profits... not quite the legitimacy I was looking for, but I like to think I played my part in making the head of our family Don of NeoSteelsburg...

From my POV, a problem with this Mafia wake scenario was that there was not much action to watch or tag along with... to get the most out of it, you really had to walk up and engage other people in conversation, and I wasn't feeling awesomely confident in my roleplaying abilities (having had a panic attack and run away from last year's LARP)... so it was hard work for me... but well worth it!

Sunday
Round 4: Games on Demand-Covenant
GM: Malcolm Craig

Last year I had to play Games on Demand cos of never knowing when my 6-month-old would need feeding... this year I was determined to play one cos last year rocked. This didn't disappoint! Malcolm was a great GM...

Covenant is awesome too... you play members of a a cult that was preparing for an apocalyptic event that never came... the use of motifs (images that crop up repeatedly within the context of the game... ours were London fog, timepieces, crying babies, puddles and ? ) gives plenty of scope for beautiful cinematic imagery which I loved! I actually came away with pictures... my character and her lover with coffee on the steps of the British museum, an armed confrontation in an abandoned docklands warehouse... cliched, perhaps, but very very compelling in context.

Relationships are central to the game... and in this scenario, they were truly f**ked up (as you might expect). Combats allow you to draw on motifs, on the conventions of your cell group within the cult (core beliefs you share... Suffering can be avoided, science trumps art) and your own edges (attributes and relationships)... the game itself was very tense, with lots of ugly dialogue and action...

My character Leonie was sleeping with an arsehole called Trent (one of her edges) who actually tried to kill her! Talk about plumbing new depths of relationship nightmare through roleplaying!

This was definitely my other favourite game at this year's Kapcon. You can read about Covenant... and I bought the PDF for $10 at RPGNow (it's the 1st new RPG I've bought in years if that is any recommendation... but I have a copy now, so if you know me you can totally check it out)

Round 5: Breach of Containment
GM: Me

Not my best effort... the players felt there was too much science and I explained it badly and probably came across as an arrogant nerd.... and sadly I couldn't convince most people to score me so I had a better chance at a spot prize. [I had a bit of a self pity wallow after I f**ked up my game... and I apologise to anyone I talked to while that was happening, cos really my life hardly sucks at all these days :-) ]

Round 6: For me, there was no round 6

Still and all, life gets easier... and nothing highlights how much easier it's got than trying to do something that last year felt like an almost impossible struggle, and finding it almost frivolously easy! I got to the same number of sessions this year (apart from my sustained LARPing effort), but overall my Kapcon felt more satisfying because of being able to hang out and chat, and not having to race away immediately the breaks began.

I'm already looking forward to next year and I have 2 ideas for games to run... and I promise... whichever one I go with... there's not much science in either! See you at Kapcon!

Instructions for Bioterrorists

2009-01-16T16:59:00.006+13:00

Today I printed out the delightfully titled "SENTINEL LABORATORY GUIDELINES FOR SUSPECTED AGENTS OF BIOTERRORISM" to refer to at work. Sadly, it is only packing and shipping instructions for diagnostic and clinical specimens, infectious substances, and biological agents, but for 30 seconds there I actually loved my job!

Breach of Containment

2009-01-14T23:46:00.002+13:00

Tonight we playtested my game for Kapcon... It was fun, though I worry that all my players were science geeks too and it may require too high a degree of that kind of geekery! I will post about it after the weekend when spoilers won't matter...

I am fascinated to see if the real game resembles the play-test in anything beyond the characters and initial scenario!

It is late now! G'night world.

Research has shown that the most erotic thing a man can do for a woman (after she has had a baby) is the dishes?!

2009-01-10T14:04:00.005+13:00

... and Ali G tells Naomi Woolf she could make lots of money as a prostitute... what more can I add?

I do like you today...

2009-01-09T21:28:00.008+13:00

I was burgled 2 weeks before Christmas... the bast**ds took my computer, my camera, 3 months worth of kid photos, 2 presents for the kids from their English grandparents and a whole whack of my self-confidence and security. Fortunately my insurance covered some of the above.

I finally got my modem this morning, though being fully mummified today have not not had much chance to make the rounds of my favourite places... and strangely all day today I have had the Vodaphone jingle jangling through my consciousness.

I think the reason is this: Being without a computer in the context of Christmas holidays and work's recent crackdown on internet use has made me realise how web-dependent I am... I pay my bills on-line, I get my news on-line... but most importantly it connects me... and in the context of my current existence, that is no small thing! I was unbelievably lonely without a computer... so to all my favourite blogs... to Ruth, Morgue, No Right Turn, Susan, Cal, Jenni, Carla, Dan... to my Gmail chat buddies, to iGoogle, to New Scientist, Science Daily, Nature News, The Panda's thumb and many others... I haven't finished catching up with you all yet, but really, truly, madly, deeply... I DO like you today!!

2008-12-09T23:06:00.000+13:00

The Morgue's blog anti-massacree movement and all you gotta do to join is...

2008-12-04T21:23:00.003+13:00

... post your letter telling John Key not to be a Rodney today!

Dear Mr Key,

As a scientist at an agricultural research institute, I am concerned that your coalition agreement with ACT commits you to a potentially lengthy Select Committee process before the Emissions Trading Scheme (ETS) can be implemented. This delay in implementing the ETS may cause us to fall further behind our global trading partners in managing our greenhouse gas emissions. It damages the international credibility of New Zealand’s “clean green” branding strategy at a time when our global markets are becoming increasingly aware of environmental issues.

Although in general I would support a rigorous review of the relevant science when setting government policy, in the case of the ETS this work has already been done so recently that revisiting the evidence for climate change is an embarrassment. Since New Zealand has already committed to reducing our emissions under the Kyoto Protocol, I feel that this Select Committee should be limited to examining ways of reducing emissions and ensuring that the majority of compliance costs are paid by the polluters and not by taxpayers. Since climate change is such an important issue, I hope that the select committee will be large enough to allow representation from all parties.

I know that like most New Zealanders you value our unique natural environment and our international reputation, and I hope you will take these into account when deciding on your government’s response to climate change.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr [Bunny]

Study shows that single mothers are not intrinsically worse parents than mothers who live with their children's partner

2008-11-26T11:11:00.006+13:00

I'm probably being over-sensitive, but I find the premises behind studies like this one slightly insulting. In this case, however, the researchers in this study obviously avoided blind prejudice against single parents and found that, although working single mothers "on average, spend between three and five hours less time per week on child care than married mothers"... "The reduced amount of time single mothers spend on child care are accounted for by differences in available resources – type and hours of employment, education, maternal age, age of children. When these factors are statistically controlled, the differences disappear." I guess this confirms what single parents and our families, friends and colleagues already knew... that what we give up most when we parent alone, is not time spent with our kids... we prioritise that... but time to ourselves, sleep and self-care, and that extra mile at work. The conclusion of the study was that "public policy needs to pay greater attention to the resources and educational opportunities for mothers, regardless of their marital status." And I really can't argue with that!!

Aquatic Super Power

2008-11-24T10:44:00.005+13:00

Articles like this one in New Scientist sure do make me hopeful... using the ocean's thermal differential to generate power seems so obvious... and of course (as the article says), people have thought of it before... but maybe now there will be the will and economic incentive to overcome the (pretty substantial) technical difficulties and make it happen... I like the way they're planning to produce hydrogen to power vehicles as well. Bye bye oil companies. We won't miss you!

Sunny Day

2008-11-22T21:49:00.003+13:00

High point: Buying and planting plants with J... petunias and lobelias and lavender, verbenas, zinnias, marigolds and brocolli (oh and he let me choose some other veges too). He'd have brought home every flower in the garden shop if I'd let him.

Low point: T pooing in the bath... 'nuff said!

Crystal Drool

2008-11-21T21:01:00.003+13:00

Tonight I listened to part of "Charlie and the Great Glass Salivator" with J.

The Crisis is Over (long live the crisis)

2008-11-21T10:38:00.003+13:00

More on my mind-altering experiences, my new job and my life-changing plans later.... I've learnt a lot over the last few weeks, but for now I am supremely unmotivated, and this made me laugh so hard I cried...

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

Some pretty flowers

2008-11-18T21:35:00.006+13:00

G gave me these beautiful flowers from her garden when I visited to meet wee baby E for the 1st time (okay, okay, I know it should've been me giving the flowers). They are making me smile!

Achieving project goals, but not within required timeframe

2008-11-18T20:48:00.014+13:00

Design Specifications for Duplo "tall building with flats like Daddy lives in": Must be 3 stories tall ("no, Mummy, I meant one more"), sorry, 4 stories tall, with stairs all the way up and a garden on the roof where people can sit and look at the view.

Unfortunately, the stairs required some pretty tricky feats of engineering, so the project manager passed out before the building was completed.

Large Dark Spaces

2008-10-31T09:17:00.004+13:00

Check out New Scientist's spooky space pictures for Halloween...

A bit bitter

2008-10-22T18:37:00.009+13:00

There are lies we live by. One of mine has been that if I work hard at the things I believe in, if I am true to my morality and as brave and strong and honest as I know how to be, if I share my passion and enthusiasm for my goals, then the people around me will come to share my goals and somehow everything will turn out okay. This wasn't true in my marriage, it sure as heck ain't true for my politics, and it turns out not to be true in my career either.

Gut-wrenchingly, heart-breakingly, it is starting to look like my career as a research scientist is ending. My contract was due to end (spookily) on Halloween, but they were "pleased to be able to offer an extension to our employment relationship"... 20 hours a week until Christmas (how great is that?)... With redundancies pending, I am not anticipating a reprieve.

On the up side, I've got an interview next week for a job managing one of the lab facilities to facilitate other scientists' research... so hey, I might be given the opportunity to observe science. I can't say I'm entirely sure how this will feel...

Houses on the sand

2008-10-17T22:09:00.002+13:00

Not so trivial

2008-10-09T14:01:00.004+13:00

There's a quiz on the BBC website that tests your knowledge of extinction trivia. I only got 6/10...

I made Labour win the election twice

2008-10-06T16:06:00.003+13:00

Okay… so this is not sophisticated humour... but boy was it therapeutic bopping that smug hypocritical smile!

"Plausible deniability"

2008-08-15T09:35:00.003+12:00

So the US military have a new laser weapon with a 20 km range and the accuracy to pinpoint a vehicle's tyre to "disable' it safely. They also have a global network of spy satellites. Any bets on who will be the first victims of inexplicable tyre blowouts or sudden house fires?

Robots with rat neurons in their brain vats

2008-08-15T09:23:00.002+12:00

I guess these count as cyborgs?

I love the idea that a "baby"neuron culture might need to be implanted in the robot and grow up with it to avoid being driven insane by sensory deprivation...

Keeping the pharmaceutical companies in business...

2008-08-04T13:51:00.002+12:00

3/3 on antibiotics... but all at work/childcare today in our various states of disrepair.

Perpetual plague pit

2008-07-30T13:10:00.004+12:00

At least one person in our household has been on antibiotics for a chest infection at any given time for the last month or so. At the moment it is my turn and T's... and I forgot to tell the doc I am still breastfeeding, so have been given doxycyclin which can affect bone and tooth development in nursing infants... going back to the doctor tomorrow to get my dodgy-mole-removal-stitches out and will make sure I take my drugs after I feed T tonight and in the morning and ask if I should change meds tomorrow...

Still nothing definite on the long-term contract front, but will probably now be extended until Christmas... who'd be a scientist?

And of course, the weather totally sucks, here too... the power keeps flickering and one of my colleagues is stuck at home because road from Tokomaru is closed and wind was lifting the roof of the school...

Still and all, the early magnolias are flowering, I have seen blossom and early-cheer and even the odd brave daffodil, so spring is coming... And I have more peptides in my samples now than LC-MS-MS can resolve, and another iteration of troubleshooting left to come... so may yet get the resolution I actually need for my project...

And acid rained from the sky...

2008-07-21T11:10:00.003+12:00

Scientists have found more evidence for a cosmic explanation for the Tunguska catastrophe... some things totally gain in translation!

Wisdom of the ancients?

2008-07-12T13:41:00.002+12:00

Does anyone have any birthday advice they'd like to share with wee T to help him through the next 80 years or so?

A year in the life

2008-07-12T11:27:00.010+12:00

Happy Birthday to you, My Masi-masi-moo... I love you!

...makes Karen a dull woman

2008-07-11T21:16:00.004+12:00

Sick kids, sleep deprivation, uncertainty about whether I will have a job when my contract ends on Halloween... hence no blog to speak of.

While on the phone to N tonight, J got his antibiotics from the top shelf at the back of the fridge, but fortunately tipped most of them over the table and floor... N heard my whole reaction, which involved me demanding that J tell me exactly how much he'd actually drunk and telling him he was going to have to have his stomach pumped and J whimpering as if I was hurting him... More proof that I am a crap parent... just what I need!

Crispy crunchy...

2008-07-01T09:07:00.003+12:00

Glittering diamonds on the deck, silvery edges on leaves and petals of my incredible unseasonal anemones, sheets of silver grass and golden sunshine.

J's favourite "okay then, you can have one poem" at bedtime for the last week has been James K. Baxter's 'Jack Frost'... "Look out, look out, Jack Frost's about", but until this morning he really hasn't been...

Crispy crunch frosty days almost make me love winter!

[And I got my milestone report in with 3 hours to spare yesterday, in spite of T being sent home from creche on Friday, and after our talk on Thursday, a colleague commented that "When you got up, you were in your element weren't you?"... I was gob-smacked! From puking shaking wreck to (apparently) confident professional in only 15 years... I should write a self-help book!]

Error1a: User does not meet manufacturer's minimum specifications.

2008-06-19T11:07:00.007+12:00

So I put the lid on the gel chamber, plugged in the electrodes, set the current and the timer, pressed start, checked the voltage to make sure the gel was running and wandered off.

Five minutes later I come back to check that my gel is running okay. I glance at the voltage... all good.

I look, expecting to see the blue marker dye migrating down the gel. No blue line.

I turn the rig around, thinking I am looking at the buffer dam side. No blue line. Buffer dam.

I turn it back, hoping I was imagining it. No blue line.

I check the power pack to make sure the electrodes are plugged in the right way... maybe I have run my samples backwards out of the wells? Red to red, black to black, all fine.

I switch off the powerpack and check that the lid is on the right way round. Of course it is... these modern rigs are designed so you couldn't run them backwards even if you wanted to.

I am confused. I dither. Where are my samples? Where is the blue line? I've run thousands of gels (no exaggeration here) and never had the samples just disappear (except perhaps back in the days when you COULD run them backwards). This is an eerie, scary happening and it happened right here in my lab.

I glance over at my lab-bench to where my samples are sitting in the heating block. My samples are sitting in the heating block.

Now my gel is running. Blue line. All fine.

Atlas of our changing environment

2008-06-14T20:47:00.005+12:00

Check out the United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) Atlas of Our Changing Environment, and the really amazing interactive map with before and after satellite pictures of environmental changes (courtesy of New Scientist Environment).

After the ball was over...

2008-06-14T20:41:00.004+12:00

This is my happy ever after and these are my handsome princes!

2008-06-14T20:25:00.004+12:00

A couple of weekends ago Princes J and T were invited to Princess D's 3rd birthday party. We drove a long way into the countryside, through the woods on the gravelly road, to where Princess D's palace is guarded by two fierce kunikuni (actually we arrived a day early and had to go back the next day, but never mind).

Fabulous new knickers

2008-06-14T20:06:00.003+12:00

Apart from some supersized ones I bought while I was pregnant and some my mother bought and didn't like, these are my first new knickers since I came back from England. I think they're very exciting!

Space the final frontier...

2008-06-13T13:16:00.005+12:00

... for advertising? Apparently this is the way the Brits want extraterrestrials to encounter their culture... mindboggling, eh?!

You can see the ads that didn't make the cut here

Still more reasons to love Iceland...

2008-06-04T15:43:00.003+12:00

... Pickled goat's balls and banana and anchovy pizza... When's the next flight?

Making the blind to see!

2008-06-03T13:35:00.007+12:00

Following on from the robotic monkey arms (and here and here), another cool prosthesis, this time stimulating nerve cells inside the eye, to enable people who have lost their sight from (a specific type of) retinal disease to perceive visual images. A thousand miracle cliches are fluttering at my fingertips!

Whether 'tis nobler?

2008-06-03T10:39:00.009+12:00

Here's the scenario... you have friends coming over and you know coffee is their beverage of choice. Is it okay to buy the Fair Trade version of the mostly-non-fair-trade-brand coffee from the supermarket or try to get to Trade Aid to buy genuine Fair Trade coffee, knowing you certainly won't make it before someone melts down? Given that I chose the expedient option, did I just line the pockets of an evil exploitative coffee empire or can my consumer dollar make them change their scurrilous ways? (And since I also bought disposible nappies in the same shop, have I any right to pretend I am making moral choices?)

Oh yeah, as it turned out they brought their own, more morally righteous coffee, 'cos they knew I was out! :-)

Yet Another Reason to Love Iceland...

2008-05-30T15:54:00.004+12:00

Colleagues who've lived in Iceland were talking about cool Icelandic public holidays including Beer Day. I thought they were having me on, but look at the Icelandic Tourism Board site:

"March first is Beer Day every year in Iceland. That's right, a whole day dedicated to the world's favorite beverage. This celebrated event began on March 1st, 1989, when a 75-year-long prohibition of beer was lifted. Pubs, restaurants, and clubs all around Reykjavik are especially wild this night. No word yet on plans to make March 2nd National Aspirin Day."

Cultural misunderstanding

2008-05-30T14:14:00.007+12:00

"Don't call me that Mummy, It's mean, I'm very angry at you"
"It's okay for me to call you 'sweetie', in our culture that's a positive thing to call someone"
"When is outcha?"
"What? Oh, I said Our Culture"
"Oh, where does he live?"
"I wasn't talking about a person... culture is what makes people from a certain area..."
"... Dead?"
"No not dead... " (I pause to think... J loses interest and wanders off... when you're 3, death really is more interesting than culture!)

Is there life on Mars?

2008-05-29T12:30:00.004+12:00

Doesn't really look like it from this picture, eh?:-)
Check out the new images from NASA's Phoenix spacecraft...

I may yet get my prehensile tail...

2008-05-29T12:02:00.005+12:00

Look! A mind controlled prosthetic arm that a monkey can use to feed itself... Next stop, Perdido Street Station . I'm sure a few brain probes would be a small price to pay for an extra limb!

(But seriously... awesome news for people with spinal cord injuries.)

Red Letter Days?

2008-05-29T09:02:00.005+12:00

Last week I had my second period in 4 years (there are some advantages to pregnancy and intensive breast-feeding, at least in my body) and last night and today I have my first proper hormonal migraine in that time... I had forgotten the stomach-emptying, head-splitting awfulness... also the lop-sided pain that makes you want to head-bang like a BSE mad cow or scrape off the pain like a sheep with the same. Five days of sick leave left, which I really need to save for the next time one of the kids is plague-stricken, so here I am at work... and I guess I should do some.

Self medication

2008-05-27T12:43:00.002+12:00

Need cheering up? Try burning frankinsence!

Jungle music

2008-05-27T12:00:00.004+12:00

Just been to the Vector Wellington orchestra Baby Pops at the Regent and it was awesome... sadly our group didn't march through the orchestra, as we were sitting up the top and had too many kids per adult... but before the concert started, the tuba, a trombonist and a trumpeter all came and had a musical chat right where we were sitting. If you live in Welly or Palmy, you've missed it for this year, but if you have wee people, check it out next year... and they have circus proms coming up in Wellington in July, which sounds even more amazing.

What has it got in its pocketses?

2008-05-23T14:24:00.002+12:00

A colourful triangular rattle, a duplo person with a blue hat, a floral box of tampons, my spare set of keys, a used tissue and my phone. what do you deduce, Mr Holmes?

Job Satisfaction... a moment of peace and the illusion of control

2008-05-22T13:45:00.012+12:00

The pristine, decluttered benches (in advance of next week's MAF inspection) and anticipation of the 6 month absence of the boss, create a serene medatative aura in the lab... tubes await gel aliquots, pretty in a pink rack... my sample currently nestles in the 30 degree heatblock under a blanket of tinfoil. And I'm working in hope (unusual for recent times) because last week's prep yielded 29 mass-spec-identifiable proteins (count them again to be sure), and though I need ten times that many (and more convincing peptide coverage too) for the project to be viable, a ten-fold improvement seems more feasible than pulling something out of the nothing in my empty thinking cap.

Universal advertising

2008-05-21T09:30:00.001+12:00

This morning, a rainbow with its end over Massey... like a giant cheesy comment on the value of education!

Whether to fertilize or fertilise

2008-05-20T13:34:00.005+12:00

Discussing American vs English spellings with my Chinese office-mate and found this. Wiki rocks!

I would've used fertilise in preference, but apparently both are acceptable in English and etymologically fertilize is better, deriving directly from Greek, rather than via French... I never reali(s/z)ed I was such a Francophile!

POS REJ - INSUFF. FUN

2008-05-20T09:45:00.001+12:00

So d'ya think it'd have gone through if I'd been going to the movies instead of buying groceries? :-)

Not another non-specific viral rash

2008-05-16T22:25:00.001+12:00

Jack's other house

2008-05-16T20:45:00.003+12:00

"This is the priest all shaven and shorn that kissed the man with the crumpled horn" giggles J... and I laugh too, of course, which delights him, so he laughs even more.

Disintegrity

2008-05-09T21:23:00.011+12:00

In the last week there have been two incidents which have demonstrated to me that post-children I have become risk averse to the point of hypocrisy.

In the first instance, I rang a friend on Sunday, and thought, on being told that she was too hungover to chat, "How could she be so irresponsible?"... I then immediately unthought it, but still...

The second example is more disturbing... I sent an incoherent email yesterday in which I said (among other babblings):

I don't know who I'll vote for, but if I vote in self -interest (which I may even though it goes against my socialist principles… when I was at uni/in the Bolshevik Club I used to spoil my voting paper or vote for the 'cuddies*) I will vote for Labour.

I also said this:

People I talk to seem to be blaming the government for the rise in the cost of living/food costs/petrol prices even though this is a global phenomenon. People (even those with families) also imagine that a 1-2% tax cut will make them better off. Working for families gives me $260/fortnight. No taxcut is going to make up for losing that!

It's not much… maybe not enough to motivate you to vote [for them]…and I hate acting as an apologist for Labour but I think people, esp families underestimate how much worse off they will be under a National government…just saying…

I wish I hadn't said.

In the past, although my world wasn't quite as black and white and red all over as for some of my more politically astute comrades, I had principles and I acted on them... I have always derided people who elevated pragmatism to a political philosophy, but now I seem to be one of them.

Someone said to me recently that she thought National winning the election might be a good thing, not because she agrees with their policies (or lack thereof), but because New Zealanders need a a change to see how good they have it now. I disagree... it's not so good at the moment, especially (as NO RIGHT TURN points out) for those on benefits, and in my political memory, we've had 15 years of new right government, first under Labour, then under National and peoples ideologies shifted and the left disintegrated... to the point where many New Zealanders claim that our current centrist Labour government is left wing.

So what's the alternative? (in my current risk averse state I certainly lack the stomach for a revolution, and find it hard to imagine one succeeding) I'm an environmentalist, but also a plant scientist. I strongly believe that GE is necessary, both as a tool for bioremediation, to mitigate our effects on the environment, and to adapt our food supply to the rapidly changing climate (might post more on this soon, given the current food crisis?)... so I'd find it hard to support the Greens. If all the options are bad, does one simply vote for the best, and as the options get worse, vote for the best of a badder bunch? That's not much of a philosophy...

Blaaaaaaaargh! Watch me vacillate!

*Please note that voting for the McGillicuddy Serious Party was totally against the programme of the Bolshevik Club, I was just had difficulty bringing myself to spoil my vote paper

Some trees are not green...

2008-05-09T20:51:00.004+12:00

... and xanthophyll is such a pretty word

The evil that men (and women) do lives after them...

2008-05-08T12:12:00.012+12:00

Some penguins for Ruth...

A disturbing New Scientist Environment newsflash came today about work done by Heidi Geisz, a marine biologist at Virginia Institute of Marine Science in Gloucester in the US. (As you probably know) DDT was widely used as a pesticide from the late 1940s onwards, but was banned in many countries since the 1970s and these days its usually only used to control disease-bearing mosquitos However DDT has been showing up in tissue samples from Adélie penguins. If this was DDT that had been around in the foodchain for 30-40 years, then the scientists would expect to find DDE (a DDT breakdown product). Turns out, there were large deposits of ice in Antarctic glaciers in the 1950s and 60s and the DDT has been sequestered there for the last 50-odd years, only trickling out now as the glaciers melt. Fortunately, the levels aren't high enough to harm the penguins, but they're worried that other toxins (eg dioxins, PCBs from refrigeration) may also be being released. It really makes you realise how even relatively short periods of pollution can have long-lasting, far-reaching effects (cos I'm guessing DTT was never sprayed in Antarctica!).

Living in the future!

2008-05-07T14:26:00.008+12:00

I just walked back from the glasshouse with two gigabytes of data storage capacity not making any kind of bulge in my pocket and suddenly thought of the 1st PC that R and I shared... an aging XT clone, bought in the 2nd semester of 1992 for about $600. We named it IGOR because it immediately needed a brain transplant. IGOR died completely (and inconveniently) the following year in the throes of Honours essays and was mourned briefly and replaced forthwith with a not-quite-so-venerable 286 (which took about half an hour to process a round of Civilisation). My memory stick has approximately 200 times more capacity than IGOR at less than 1/20th of the price... We live through incredible changes, oblivious.

I don't wanna be loved by you...

2008-05-04T21:38:00.013+12:00

This entry, marking the anniversary of my becoming a single parent, has been expurgated due to its insensitivity and the (I believe, vanishingly small) possibility of it falling into the hands of someone who might be hurt by it. Please e-mail me if you want to read it in its full spleenful glory...

Nasty stuff that sea salt...

2008-04-29T16:49:00.005+12:00

From a (real... I kid thee not) MSDS (material safety data sheet) for sodium chloride, something I've always been kind of casual about... which just proves that everything is toxic if you are careless enough!

Routes of Entry: Inhalation. Ingestion.
Toxicity to Animals:
WARNING: THE LC50 VALUES HEREUNDER ARE ESTIMATED ON THE BASIS OF A 4-HOUR EXPOSURE.
Acute oral toxicity (LD50): 3000 mg/kg [Rat.]. (okay, so that's 1g/kg of rat killed half of the rats in the study)
Acute dermal toxicity (LD50): >10000 mg/kg [Rabbit]. (... and bathing in 10g/kg killed half the rabbits but that's a pretty salty stew!)
Acute toxicity of the dust (LC50): >42000 mg/m3 1 hours [Rat].

Chronic Effects on Humans: MUTAGENIC EFFECTS: Mutagenic for mammalian somatic cells. Mutagenic for bacteria and/or yeast.

Other Toxic Effects on Humans: Slightly hazardous in case of skin contact (irritant), of ingestion, of inhalation.

Special Remarks on Toxicity to Animals: Lowest Published Lethal Dose (LDL) [Man] - Route: Oral; Dose: 1000 mg/kg (so someone once died from eating 1 g for every kg of body weight... so eating >60g of salt in one sitting might be a bad idea... I guess if you had really bad munchies and lots of potato crisps?)

Special Remarks on Chronic Effects on Humans:
Causes adverse reproductive effects in humans (fetotoxicity, abortion, ) by intraplacental route.
High intake of sodium chloride, whether from occupational exposure or in the diet, may increase risk of TOXEMIA OF PREGNANCY in susceptible women (Bishop, 1978). Hypertonic sodium chloride solutions have been used to induce abortion in late pregnancy by direct infusion into the uterus (Brown et al, 1972), but this route of administration is not relevant to occupational exposures. (I should hope not!)
May cause adverse reproductive effects and birth defects in animals, particularly rats and mice (fetotoxicity, abortion, musculoskeletal abnormalities, and maternal effects (effects on ovaries, fallopian tubes) by oral, intraperitoneal, intraplacental, intrauterine, parenteral, and subcutaneous routes. While sodium chloride has been used as a negative control n some reproductive studies, it has also been used as an example that almost any chemical can cause birth defects in experimental animals if studied under the right conditions (Nishimura & Miyamoto, 1969). In experimental animals, sodium chloride has caused delayed effects on newborns, has been fetotoxic, and has caused birth defects and abortions in rats and mice (RTECS, 1997).

May affect genetic material (mutagenic) (okay, that's kind of scary)
Special Remarks on other Toxic Effects on Humans:

Acute Potential Health Effects:
Skin: May cause skin irritation.
Eyes: Causes eye irritation.
Ingestion: Ingestion of large quantities can irritate the stomach (as in overuse of salt tablets) with nausea and vomiting. May affect behavior (muscle spasicity/contraction, somnolence), sense organs, metabolism, and cardiovascular system. Continued exposure may produce dehydration, internal organ congestion, and coma.
Inhalation: Material is irritating to mucous membranes and upper respiratory tract.

So righteous my teeth are shrinking...

2008-04-23T16:59:00.007+12:00

Saturday is N's birthday, but I'm taking the kids to Wellington this weekend (okay, so I'm not so righteous that I'd stay in Palmy on a holiday weekend).

Today after Thomas's lunchtime feed I delivered a cake with lollies on (so another way my righeousness has slipped is that it was Pak'n'Save's not-quite-finest 'cos I couldn't bring myself to spend the time baking one with J, even though he was desperate to, and then I refused to buy the $25 super-special Eeyore gateau), birthday candles, a bag of chippies, wrapped presents from each child (okay, and so I also let J choose the presents, and took him to Toyworld, and said they should be things for them to play with with Daddy, so the wooden peg and hammer set and the playmobil pirates might not have been N's first choice), a card I organised for them to make at creche, 2 carrots (he asked for them) and 2 mandarins (J asked for them at the supermarket when we were buying the cake). I also did a bad job of explaining why I wasn't going to Daddy's party when I did last year (a disturbingly last-suppery affair the week before I forced him to leave)

On my birthday I discretely bought my own present and my folks wrapped it with J, and Mum and J made me a cake, but since N's parents are far away, it falls on me to be civil and civilised. I have done my tooth-gritty best.

How incredibly unlikely is your birth?

2008-04-22T11:02:00.006+12:00

A mathematician has come up with a model for assessing the probability of the evolution of intelligent extraterrestrial life...

Professor Andrew Watson postulates that 4 critical developments are required for this to occur: single-celled bacteria, complex cells, specialized cells allowing complex life forms and intelligent life with an established language. He assesses this probability as 0.01 per cent over four billion years which is pretty darn unlikely, I guess... but I'd still like to believe that someone was out there:-) And after all, you know what they say about assumptions...

Please NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2008-04-17T15:56:00.006+12:00

Today at afternoon tea time I was called a middle-aged Manawatu woman. When I countered that I am a Wellingtonian, my tormenter replied, "You can't be, you're not cool enough."

Now, I embrace my uncoolness, I'm even prepared to admit I'm middle-aged (though I hope to live well past 74)... but please someone, anyone, manyones affirm my Wellingtoness...

And T has two teeth now...

2008-02-27T00:42:00.001+13:00

... He ate unpureed (though fairly well-chopped) spaghetti bolognese tonight. Everything he does is so clever! :-)

Fragile Things

2008-02-27T00:19:00.006+13:00

I walked out of the bathroom, and came face to face with a spider abseiling down from the ceiling. I've been reading Neil Gaiman's "Fragile Things" until far too late (about 10 minutes ago, in fact) and it is brilliant and creepy, and "The Problem with Susan" had got inside my head, and was making me feel young (yeah right) and vulnerable and not at all someone who should be alone in a dark house with two small children. The spider surprised me and for a second I panicked. I went into the kitchen to get a glass and I captured the spider as it tried to reel itself back by bringing the glass up under it and cutting off the strand of web with a 'football party' invitation (J's birthday was yesterday. He is 3 now).

I looked at my spider through the glass. It was beige and brown, a caricature of a spider with eyes on stalks and delicate stripey legs, the front pair longer than the other six. It was beautiful. I let it go outside in the darkness, feeling safer.

J, who is unhinged by his father coming back to NZ after 10 weeks in the UK (as, I guess, am I), said to me this morning "I'm feeling fragile". It's scary being responsible for such precious fragile things (especially when I'm as tired as I will be tomorrow).

T waves on cue

2008-02-21T16:18:00.005+13:00

After lunch I said, "Okay T, say goodbye to your Kauri friends now", and he flopped his hand up and down several times. I wasn't sure, but I handed him to a Kowhai teacher saying "Bye T, Mummy's going back to work now" and he did it again... He's so clever!

... And he has his 1st tooth as well (or at least the 1st wee sharp bit through his gum).

Wedding Anniversary

2008-02-15T09:04:00.004+13:00

Today (when we rang so J could talk to his Dad), X-man, whose special mutant power is making me feel stink, insisted on wishing me a happy anniversary.

A lot of balls

2008-02-13T21:48:00.003+13:00

Tonight I am printing 30 copies of this...